So on Sunday morning the boiler started working again. Heavenly heat and hot water. I had to admit to myself that it had indeed been something frozen never mind the kettles of hot water I’d thrown about outside in my dressing gown. I rang the emergency repair line and left a voicemail explaining that everything was back on and left my name and address. The second I got off the phone I realised I’d given my previous postcode in a completely different town just to make myself look even more of a twat after I’d ranted the day before that ‘it was nothing to do with the weather’. Anyway unsurprisingly no one turned up.
So I’d forgotten about some bloke coming from Liverpool to do an electricity check on Monday. That is until 8am when he knocked on my door (the letter from his company informing me about this on behalf of Incommunities arrived today, as in Wednesday). It was far too early to have a Liverpudlian in my kitchen but even worse when he explained if there was anything wrong with my fuse board something or other he would have to ‘check every plug socket in the house’. Great I thought and gobbled down my morning prozac to fortify me.
Before he did anything though he asked to use my toilet. No word of a lie he had a good 10 minute shit. I was mortified!!! I’d have rather died or shit my pants but then I’m not a man.
Singing then. Fucking singing his head off. The dogs were going mad at every chorus and every beep of his electrical prong tester whatsit. Forty five minutes later I got a safe bill of electricity health and I bleached my toilet.
Ps. The main guy from Yorkshire water appeared today to have another look outside. He had a bigger, fatter stick with him this time that had something the shape of a toilet roll holder on the end. It looked archaic, like some Medieval weapon of torture. So much for modern technology which probably explains why he was in and out turning my tap on but was still completely stumped. I told him about the gas board coming and replacing pipes a couple of years back. They’ve buried it I reckon. Anyway he’s coming back again this week. Probably with a bigger stick. Apparently I’m on the top of his list and he’s reminded every morning. Poor bugger.