Up your bum

I went for a routine colonoscopy today. Surveillance since I had bowel cancer. If you’ve ever had one you will know that the worst part is the Moviprep you drink the night before. A scrumptious tasting powder that you dissolve in 500ml of water. You drink this along with 500ml of plain water, alternating between the two over an hour starting at 7pm. It’s great this stuff it tastes like dissolved plastic with added saccharin and it makes you go to the lav. Boy does it ! Then you have a little rest and at 9pm you start on your next 500ml of mixed essence of colon cleanse and another 500ml of water for the next hour. You can add some cordial but nothing on this earth would make the second dosage taste anything but horrendous with it’s added goodies to scourge out your system so the camera can see things on it’s winding travels of your bowels. That’s 2 litres of liquid in three hours. I advise getting yourself a good book and making sure the heating is on as you get a bit shivery and wishy washy. Eventually worn out and feeling sick you can crash about 11. Beware of seepage in the night though. It’s clear but it’s still wet.

Yesterday afternoon I had booked a taxi for 7:30 this morning. It’s the second time I’ve used this firm and though the driver was great last time I got the same call handler. He thinks he’s still in Karachi shouting at cattle driven carts with the social skills of a monosyllabic cave dweller . Why are these people even in this country? Rude, abrupt and pretty much unintelligible I reiterated to him 7:30am tomorrow but he wasn’t listening. I knew deep down. The hospital is 2.5 miles from my house but it’s Keighley so you gotta hedge your bets. By 7:35 there is no sign of any taxi and Mr fuckwit is not answering the phone. So I called another company and made it bang on 8am just in time for my appointment with my blood pressure through the roof.

5 minutes past 1 this afternoon I answer my phone to ‘your taxi outside’ and I wonder at the intelligence of these inter family super breeders and I thank fuck I’m getting old.

So on with the procedure. I don’t get anaesthetic because you have to not only have someone take you home but they are supposed to stay with you for 24 hours. It’s not necessary for a procedure that feels like bad period pain. Gas and air for when the camera goes round corners is enough. There were 6 women in the room during the procedure and it was pretty unanimous that women can take the pain better than men. I put it down to the years of pestering, cajoling, threatening and force into anal sex that women have to put up with. I sat up whilst we studied where the surgeon had rejoined my bowel after removing the cancer. How clean and tidy it looked.

There was just one problem.

‘complete procedure but lots of vegetable skins which I could not clear, therefore I have requested a repeat test. Patient advised to avoid vegetables, seeds and nuts 3-4 days prior to taking next lot of bowel prep’.

So there we go. The pros of healthy eating. I get to do it all again. What an absolute bastard.