So for the fourth time in as many weeks I’m hoping on a visit from a plumber this weekend. Yep the boiler has packed in. Again. It always chooses the weekend as it did the last time. Friday the 20th of December 2024 to be precise. How the fuck does it know? Seriously?!
I’ve had a problem with my boiler for over a year now. It’s been checked so many times and deemed in good working order I wonder if I’m hallucinating it all just to get men into my house. Early December a chap came out and could find nothing wrong so he ‘gave it all a bit of a brush’ with his little brush thingy to see if that helped. It didn’t because it went again just before Christmas. Two lads on emergency call out came and fixed a new part. I made them listen to my video recording of the banging and crashing and bubbling that goes on whenever there isn’t a plumber within a 5 mile radius because of course it started working the minute they set foot in my kitchen. Apparently this particular part should have been replaced before now and the first thing any previous plumber should have checked first but it’s ‘luck of the draw’ how good they are. They stare at each other knowingly and nod their heads in a sagely manner. Great then all sorted.
Only 3 weeks later it’s making the exact same noises and after several doses of hot water on the outside pipes I’m still out of hot water and heat again. Yep I’ve videoed the banging and clattering and the constant flashing of the reset button and right now I can see very clearly why so many women have ended up in lunatic asylums.
I’ve also got a dribble. I’ve had a water problem for about 6 or 7 weeks now. Basically it comes out of my taps in a pathetic little lackness of water when everywhere else is flooded. so I got in touch with Yorkshire Water. But guess what? No man can find out why. The first guy came and searched about and tried with his metal detector but he couldn’t find my outside stop tap. So he puts an orange cross on the paving slab under my kitchen window and tells me he’ll get the guys out to dig it up and see if it’s underneath the paving. A week later I get a call. They’ve been round (in the 30 mins I’ve been out with the dogs would you believe) and can’t find ‘the blue cross’. I went outside and double checked and said it’s not blue it’s orange and it’s right outside my kitchen window in the area I suppose the mysterious missing stop tap should be. ‘Ok’ the guy on the phone says. Would you believe that whilst I was out the next day the cross turned blue? By God it did. On everything I know in this world that fucker turned blue. The next day as if by magic this signalled the poor lads from Morrisons to come and dig holes, and more holes and listen to sticks held to the ground whilst I ran my kitchen tap on and off for an hour. They were completely stumped and were waiting on Yorkshire water to arrive as I left to go out. I got a call telling me they’d be back this week only it’s now Saturday so I guess not but the ground seriously must be too hard to dig right now.
The plumber that came out on Christmas Eve to fix my toilet (yep I know) told me they cannot sort anything from inside without a stop tap on the outside to turn the outside water off. So I just thought ok fuck this for a game of plumbers and poured more wine.