Apps. I want to talk about apps. The little irritating junky things they want you to download onto your phone to access everything from a prescription to a service provider. Designed for the young and flexibly fingered. And perfectly sighted.
I’m computer literate. I have a tower pc in to which I installed a good amount of memory to run Photoshop without a hitch and a 21inch monitor and a lovely keyboard for typing words on. I have an ipad and an iphone. I have an ipad mini that stopped updating about 4 years ago but is excellent for reading kindle books in the bath or in bed with the backlighting and increased font size. Because unless I shine a bright light on a book I can’t read it without a lot of strain. I can’t read small print on packaging or bad instructions with 57 languages all dropped together on an A5 sheet of paper. The hospital told me I’m just short of legally blind in my left eye. It’s probably why I paint on large canvas. It’s not something I have much issue with until I want to contact someone like Virgin Media. Then the patience wears thin.
Unlike the BT line outside my house that has dropped so low I’m not afraid of burglars as they will be garrotted approaching my back door in he dark. ‘You won’t get the same issues with us with wind and stuff it’s all underground’ said the installation guy. I gritted my teeth and smiled stupidly and thought how I went without internet for 8 weeks in a lonely new home and new town because Virgin Media couldn’t move with me to my new address because apparently I had a wasps nest that I’ve yet to see to this day.
Anyway my internet connection drops constantly. At least every hour and every ten minutes on a morning. It has been for several weeks. I’ve been trying to contact someone on the website half heartedly on and off but it says ”oops something’s not working. Can you login on your usual device?”. I sigh defeated before I’ve even started and give up.
I love how they add ‘did this help?’ at the bottom of the help pages and a massive ‘download the app for access to support and checking you’re connection ON THE GO’. Like you’d try going though this hell whilst you were at work or commuting or having 30 minutes peace for your lunch.
As I write this I remember an incident when I had my sandwich shop and Santander rang me to check a transaction on a busy lunchtime. In the middle of serving customers and cooking food I couldn’t remember my phone password. Just fucking tell me what it is I screamed or don’t fucking ring me at work. I used to snort Bach’s Rescue Remedy back then on a regular basis.
Meanwhile I gave in and downloaded the app to my phone. and it still couldn’t check my connection. I looked at all this bollox crammed together on my phone screen. My little fat fingers opening up entirely useless pages of nonsense and shite when all that was needed was a contact phone number or even an email address would do me. I especially love how you press something and it just takes you back to the same screen. Contact Support is always a good one for that. ‘Here’s some ways that 99% of callers can solve their problems by looking at the help pages”. Round and round and fucking round.
Whilst I’ve been writing this, an email I sent to my printers has just been sent back as undelivered from Friday night. Well done Google it’s taken you two days to tell me. . Out of all the artwork I’ve sold this week that’s gone to the USA and the UK with no problem this is the least expensive (read less profit for me) and the buyer is the most prolific commenter on my facebook page. Of course she is. She’s in Norway and as always seems to happen there the print is stuck in customs. I emailed Friday to ask the printers to sort it. Google tells me tonight the email never landed so I go to the printers contact page and send a message. They want proof of the issue. So I do a screen print of the Norwegian delivery page that shows they need an invoice. It saves as a black screen. Nothing to show here. Of course not.
The best remedy? Lashings of Blossom Hill red and Sainsburys anchovies in herbs and garlic straight out of the tin. And headphones, never forget the headohones.
